Chasing the sun and my smile — A 2020 story.
2020 has been a roller coaster ride. I’ve never been on a roller coaster but I imagine 2020 must be it in year form. I cried. More like wailed. Ugly laughed till I cried. Sighed quite a few times at the disbelief of the hardness of this life. Anxiety shot through the roof. Was at the verge of ending it all. Loved — and lost. Made new friends and lost them too. Hit rock bottom a few times. Shocking bank balances. Danced like tomorrow wasn’t promised. Wrote a feel-good book for myself. Started a YouTube channel that had 4 views on some videos but I did it anyways. Travelled. Thrived. Grew exponentially. Achieved 1/4 of my body goals. Drank water. Hiked. Did I say dance? Oh and rested….a whole lot.
I never had new year goals set out at the beginning of 2020. It was unlike me — the girl who scribbles her dreams, goals, plans in hope that they will come to fruition. I wanted to roll with it, 2020. See where it would take me. It sure did take me to places unimagined like a whole pandemic! I am grateful that, I and the people I love, have been kept safe. But I can’t ignore the adverse effects COVID-19 has had on the economy of my country, the citizenry and the whole world in general. I was made aware of my own privilege this year. My empathy grew leaps and bounds.
One of my A-ha! moments in 2020 was me realizing that all I wanted to do was Chase the sun and Chase my smile. I wanted to literally chase the sun after quarantine. Go to places. See things. Start new flames. Push my homebody comfort zones. I also wanted to chase the things that made me feel like sunshine. Creating. Working on my friendships. Fully immersing myself into my own love stories. Nothing scripted. Just living and vibing in the moment.
Chasing my smile was going where I easily burst out laughing or smiled effortlessly. The real gag is; I did achieve all of that outside myself but my greatest joys were found in my own presence. I loved being me. I loved doing things that lil ol’ me got excited about like hurriedly tucking into the sofa blanket on a rainy night in anticipation for a movie. Or getting myself ice-cream, masala chips and red velvet cakes. Or dancing in my unicorn pajamas to a new song or another one-direction song. Or watching tiktok videos. Or reading poetry out-loud to myself.
In the middle of all the chaos of 2020, I found peace. Like I had never known before. One morning while chasing a sunrise in Diani beach, I paused. I was crying. Not because I was sad but because here I was….just me. I was me. I was glad I was doing this life as me. I was accepted and loved by me and the God in me. It’s as if I could hear the Universe literally hug me through the sound of the waves kissing the shores and the hard hitting rays of sunshine on my skin. “I love you Njeri. I absolutely love you. You are wanted. You are needed. You are never and will never be alone.” That was the clearest I had heard in 2020.
I had found God — in so many forms before that engulfing presence in Diani. I went out to seek Him in the trees, the rivers, the forests, the ocean, the wind…every where I could in 2020. I always found Him — often in the elements and stillness around me. He was in me too. This was important to me because just about one year ago I lost my faith (story for another day). I lost the very thing that was the anchor of my life and it felt like a thousand deaths. It all came down crumbling like a once glorious city invaded by an enemy unforeseen. Rebuilding from ruins was work — dirty heart and soul work. And here I was, a few meters into the ocean and I felt loved — totally — unreservedly — unashamedly loved. I felt like a child learning to walk — the joy of those first steps — the joy of my oneness with the Universe.
Hard as it was — full of betrayal as it was — full of pain as it was — full of anxiety as it was — hell, it was one shitty year BUT it was also one of my good years. I was stretched. My body was stretched. My heart and spirit were stretched beyond limits. But I found my balance. It was this year that I knew that I never want to be defined by how much pain and suffering I can endure. I want to be defined by my sunshine, my vulnerability, my authenticity, my being. I stopped living for the gram and started living for me. I see me now — the real me. I know my energy waves, I know my emotions, I know my limits, I know a whole lot about this beautiful woman I’m becoming. The gift is being alive everyday to unfold the versions of her I’m yet to meet. Boy, I’m I excited?! Like it does actually get better!
2021 — I will still chase the sun and chase my smile. That’s a life long commitment to myself. But now that I’ve tasted what a genuine relationship with self feels like, I will continue to dig that mine. I encourage you to follow your true self — whoever that may look like!
I wish you nothing but Love and A lot of light on your path! See you on the sunny side up!